Let’s say that all famous literary characters were born in 1985. What would they be doing today? Let’s imagine.
Anne Shirley (of Green Gables) is always cold. She has her own Etsy shop, where she sells flower headpieces and an assortment of wedding “tablescape” items, including her most popular piece, a wooden bluebird with a musical note in its beak. She is still a virgin, but gets aroused when watching The Tudors or reading historical fiction of any kind. During college, she studied abroad in Ireland and it totally changed her life.
Sherlock Holmes was diagnosed with ADD at age seven, but dislikes taking medication and has been trading pills for BJs since middle school. He was recruited by Bain & Company halfway through his freshman year at Columbia. He travels between Sao Paolo and Shanghai for work, and is gender-indiscriminate when seeking the company of an escort.
Humbert Humbert is that pale, greasy guy who always wears inappropriate hats, like a fedora or a tweed newsboy. He clears his web history every day.
Alice in Wonderland is a Phish head who likes to take her shoes off. A quiet girl, she nevertheless possesses remarkable party stamina and quietly orders five drinks minimum every time she goes to brunch.
Rhett Butler de-pledged his fraternity in the middle of hell week and, after pretending to be Rhett Butler the poker player a couple of times, became addicted to playing the game online. He amassed $20,000 that he intended to use to start a jalapeno vodka craft distillery, but the girl he was hooking up with lost the money when she was playing on his computer and didn’t think it was a real game. He has vowed to stay away from girls he meets at Bikram from now on.
Atticus Finch won the “RA of the Year” award for four years in a row. Halfway through 2L at Duke, he took a hiatus and flew to India, where he took residence in an ashram. His blog, http://insearchofpeaceandrighteousness.blogspot.com, has not been updated since January.
Daisy Buchanan lives in her parent’s pied-à-terre in Manhattan and, thanks to her trust fund, has been successfully crawling up the ladder of unpaid art internships for the last three years. Although her stainless steel fridge is plastered with printouts of Gwyneth Paltrow, she has developed an appropriately cynical sense of humor about her lifestyle and is the secret author of “White Girl Problems.”
Nick Adams actually exists. I am sure there’s a guy out there named Nick Adams who acts exactly like Hemingway’s character would. Nick Adams, the real one, works at a family friend’s wind energy company and just broke up with his sweet, laid-back girlfriend because she kept asking him “What are you thinking, right now?”
The Little Prince is a tweaked-out Grindr addict who lives in San Francisco and conducts “space Pilates” classes, where all the equipment is shaped like planetary objects, and each session takes place in a dark room lit only with glowsticks. He is dating Peter Pan.
Nancy Drew just got her real estate license and is worried that her friend Georgia is fooling around with Ned. She goes to the gym every day but totally hates her ankles and has hired a physical trainer just to slim them down. When she’s drunk, she has a tendency to take off running and return with shoplifted candy that she calls “clues.”
Romeo and Juliet were taken straight to the ER after their tragic teenage double suicide attempt. The pair recuperated fully in the UCLA teaching hospital. Saddled with two children, the couple’s most recent fight was over whether to watch American Idol or the Mavs-Thunder game. They stalk their elementary school crushes on Facebook and wonder why they rushed into things so fast.
Lord Voldemort received a Fulbright scholarship in 2007 to study the intersection of voodoo, microfinance, and modern medicine in Haiti. He raped the dog guarding his hostel and hasn’t been seen since.